i'm sorry guys. joel. i meant to email you but instead i started a binge.. oh i'd say since the middle of december. i wanted to turn on my computer, i really did. but then i got home between 3-11am and wanted to sleep and then i had to work and then it started all over again.

i tried. i really did. its just not going to happen. i tried to meet mr.perfect and have a mr. & mrs. perfect relationship and then he told me something i didn't ever want to know and i went to the bathroom and threw up and then we carried on happily ever after pretending nothing happened. but the biggest thing happened, i stopped feeling. like i usually do. all over, one conversation and its over. oh i pretend as good as the next girl, but its all a game now. i don't love, but i'm comfortable. fuck.

ohmigod, the crying i've done in the last couple months. mostly drunk. and they all think i'm just drunk, i'm sober. i still feel, i still know, i still think, and god damn.. i can't f' drink enough to make that go away.

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