i know i've been MIA since i've moved here. i think this whole thing has been an adventure in getting to know myself. i don't always like what i see, or what i learn. but its been fun. i have wanted to go home almost every day since october. i'm very tired. i don't want to know any more. just go back to the comfort of day to day "the world is a stage and i am just acting."

instead i've learned i'm the devil, i'm not nice and i can't have a relationship even if i try. i don't want people to get to know me, the ones that start i avoid them until we go back to being aquaintances. i thought maybe i would have a boyfriend, but its always a i-hate-you-i-love-you-i-can't-leave-you-if-wanted-to situation and that drives me crazy. don't hate me and love me. leave me if you want to, don't tell me about it. are these the games we play? we try to show the table our hand without seeing theirs and still pretend we have an ace up our sleeve? i don't buy it. i don't play it.

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