oh, i'm in so much trouble today.

yesterday i had to go and open my big mouth and say some things i don't know if i should have said. on one hand, if the situation were reversed i wouldn't appreciate some of our conversations being repeated or some past experiences. but then, i should think about that. because if that's true, then i shouldn't be doing those things. so... to think about that... i guess things are different. and if one has truly apologized for something or understands why their actions were wrong, then it should be discounted. so let me think, is there anything that i haven't apologized for or told him that i regret that maybe i should have? not really. especially not in the last couple of months. and, not to sing my own praises or anything but i think i'm fairly good at voluntarily saying out of the blue, "i don't like when i do ____ and i don't want to do it anymore. i'll try not to."

i guess that applies to saying things as well. BUT i'm sure from his perspective there are things that i've said and done that he could complain about that could paint the wrong picture. and in some ways i wonder if that's what i've done. i didn't mean to! we were just having a conversation and one topic led to another and obviously there are a few things that bother me that came up. honestly, i just wanted perspective. okay, if i really think about it, was it honest? maybe not. maybe mostly i wanted perspective and partly i wanted someone to take my side especially my family because it seems to me that they indulge his misbehavior. and i don't want them to be all buddy buddy when he's acting like a jerk because then he just acts more like a jerk, which of course, is a poor end result for me.

any ways, all i wanted was a little perspective and a little understanding or empathy. is that wrong? should i be keeping my mouth shut? i don't think that's the way women operate, i think in general we like feedback and the whole validating of the feelings. which i think is all i want. not even for someone to say that i'm right, even if someone said that i was wrong and told me why that would be fine. because i don't mind being wrong, in fact, i would rather that someone tell me if they really think that i am.

so, the long and short of the story is that i got more then empathy and now i wonder if i was wrong to open my mouth in the beginning. or, maybe more precisely, i'm wondering if i painted the picture inaccurately. because if i didn't, and all the facts were given or the whole picture was available then i guess maybe i'm becoming immune to the indignation that it seemed to cause. but if i didn't, then that's my fault and that's not fair to him. so. now what?

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