well, i have the bubonic plague. i went to pick up my cousin the other day, i didn't touch him, we didn't share food or drink, he covered his face when he sneezed, and i don't recall him coughing. but somehow... i'm sick now, and its contagious like you wouldn't believe because i felt the symptoms coming on last night, and lynette got sick as of today now, too. so isn't that nice? although i do recall getting spit on when we were out on sunday, i think it was a "say-it-don't-spray-it" kind of situation. that's probably the culprit.

i was thinking some more last night. i don't want to be nagging and begging and whining. i don't want to be angry and mad and hurt and sad. i don't want to be unsure. i don't want to be a nuisance, or an obligation, or a ball and chain, or a chore. i'm sick of asking for things. i'm sick of saying the same things over and over. at a certain point, some things should be obvious courtesies, and if they're not it must mean that the person places no value or priority on how the other person feels or gives no advance thought to how things will affect them which must mean that said person is completely taken for granted and not appreciated.

everybody always says to me, (usually at least once a day), "boy, it sure doesn't take much to please you" or something to that affect and its so true! i got new shoes. i'll be ecstatic about that for at least a week. i love the stupidest, smallest things. like yesterday, i had a DQ double cheeseburger. i was excited about that all afternoon. i'm almost always happy. i am so low maintenance, i don't ask for much. i think that some people get used to that though, and instead of appreciating the low maintenance-ness and being glad that one tiny little thing a day could make me happy they decide that one tiny little thing every day is unreasonable. simplicity breeds contempt and complacency i think. its too easy, its too simple, its too obvious, it requires no personal sacrifice... so there's no effort. bizarre isn't it? you'd think it would be the other way around? that if it were a lot of work and i asked for a lot that a person would get worn out. but nooooooo....

so i think i'm fed up. i think i've frayed my last nerve. he's pushed my last button. and the only saving grace right now will be:

• a big talk initiated by him
• him speaking, no interruptions, no defenses, no agreements... just speaking
• i like what i hear

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