this is the most unpleasant feeling in the whole world. as the day goes on i've progressed through melancholy, hopeful, proud, pleased, doubtful, worried, sad, anxious, confident, skeptical, and now i'm finally at dread. what a rollercoaster, what a day. what a life, mo, what a life.

there are only 6 minutes left in this work day, and i've been watching the clock like an eagle for the last 15 or so and i don't know why because it makes no logical sense for me to assume that its now or never, but i just feel that it is and i can feel the worry rising up through my throat and making that unpleasant blob? blockage? non-physically-existing something that makes it hard to swallow and the possibility of vomiting imminent? where is my serenity, where is my quiet determination, where is my strong stand, where is my relaxed knowing?

why can't i breathe properly and what is the big deal? i thought i was resolved, i thought i was happy. well i guess i am, either way the pendulum swings is better for me then rocking back and forth, right?

its just the waiting game. the terrible feeling of not knowing and not being able to do anything about it, or make anything move along faster. standing at the precipice of the rest of your life and not knowing what it is.

i'm going home now. i feel sick.

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