i am exhausted today. i'm sick, i have a cough, i'm sneezey, my nose is all red and sore, and i just wanted to go home and get into bed with my lamby since i got to work this morning. i wanted to call in sick, but i didn't. i wanted to leave at noon, but i didn't. now its 4:35 and i have a class tonight and i have to go and i don't want to and i don't think i can make it. too much day, too many people, too much work, too much standing and sitting and talking, and even eating. all i want to do is go to bed.

no, this is not a good day. tomorrow is my last day at work and i found that out today. nothing like ample warning, i always say. i guess that means i can go on my crazy trip but i was taking for granted that i would be healthy for it. i'm very tired. my eyes don't want to be open anymore. so yeah, there was that, and then there was this whole waiting game and i'm still waiting and the longer i wait the smaller my odds get for the result i want.

i think i just need some alone, quiet time to get over all the things going on in my mind. i'm so sad. i've thought so much about all the little things. he just got rid of all his feather pillows because i'm allergic to them. when he came and surprised me at work. when i can see him making an effort to do things for me or to make me happy. even the small things, but i can see that he's consciously trying to do them and that's almost better then if they were automatic because it means he's thinking about it and making an effort. when i say, "i love you" how come he doesn't say, "i love you more" any more?

i'm getting sick of hearing the same songs over and over on the radio. avril, aemon, sarah, nickelback, finger eleven and even evanescence. i want a new song. or an old one even. i feel so lost thinking about what i'm going to do or how life is going to be. i'm so used to him being there all the time, or talking to him, or thinking about him, or planning for him, or eating with him, or watching tv with him. its going to be weird. and sad. and i'm going to bore the crap out of everyone who knows me for probably the next month or so because i just don't know what to say or what to think or what to do for every day of all day of a whole week of a whole month by myself and for myself. i forget.

| Previous | Next | History |