so many things have happened over the last couple weeks. i am so glad that i got rid of him finally and now i wonder what took me so long. it feels like i've climbed out of the rubble of some burned down old building. i can breathe. i can move. i can see the sun. i don't think he shares the same sentiment as i do, but why would he? life was very convenient for him. when he says all those things about me, i think its just part of his mind control and i'm not buying it anymore.

"you don't own me" from first wives club is playing right now and i'm loving it. it can be my theme song for the time being. i'd like to make myself a prommise and be very careful from now on that i will never let that happen again. what a prison! and self-made, too; it makes it so much more pathetic!

m asked me the most interesting question the other day. i've asked and answered a lot of "getting to know you" kind of questions. for some reason, that one will stand out in my mind. maybe it wasn't meant to be that deep, maybe it was. i don't know.

to me it was extremely meaningful. "when was the last time you cried?"

do i seem like a sad person? do i seem to be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders? do i seem like the exact opposite? maybe it seems nothing gets to me. maybe they were just words to fill space. maybe lots of things. maybe that why it took me so long to think of an answer? maybe i wanted to understand the question behind the question and answer that. partly. i'm sure. because immediately a million incidents flashed through my mind. although i couldn't even identify the last time i cried... it felt like that wasn't the whole story.

it also hit me that i have cried sometimes daily, sometimes weekly over this past year. to me, the question was, "what makes you cry?" and i thought about my sense of being completely and entirely lost. a premonition that i'm making terrible mistakes with my eyes wide open, or shut, whichever way you see it, and one day i'll wake up and i'll be so alone, somewhere dark and deserted and i won't get back.

like when you get disoriented under water and you're deep enough there isn't even light from the sun. and you just have to trust that whichever direction that you choose is "up" is the right one because you won't have enough air to change your mind.

that's what i thought of. i thought of all the crying i've done over a bad relationship. that it really wasn't personal at all. i wasn't crying for a person, or whatever reason might make sense... but for every single issue that flourished in that environment. and maybe i needed that. maybe i needed to open all the old wounds and reset all the broken bones because i never took care of them the first time. maybe. maybe i didn't and i just needed somebody who loved me and treated me better. maybe that's my problem. that i think one person can love all the pain and anger and fear out of my heart and maybe they never can. maybe its a job only i can do for me and i'll have to make my own map. find my way. get lost a few times trying and just have faith that i'll choose the right way up before i run out of air.

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