I tell you things now, not because you're a stranger, but because I want to. Again that line, 'not because you told them, but because they hear the things you don't say, and they just know who you are because they see you every day'. I felt I knew people that knew me that didn't pose any kind of a threat. And the more I was comfortable, the more things came out, or time we spent together, or whatever. It was an extremely slow and gradual process though.

Now I'm at the point in my life where I feel I don't have much to hide. I don't really care what people know, I don't care if people do or don't like me because I finally figured out what its like to like myself enough for everybody. Which is different then not caring because you don't care about anything or because you want to keep your distance or because you told yourself enough times that you didn't care that you started believing it. And I'm also at the point where I want to talk to people, I want people to know me, and when I want support at whatever point in my life, I want those people to know where I'm coming from (a history) instead of having to do the reader's digest version in order to get to the point.

So, the long and short of that is, that I'm not a stranger and I kind of found that offensive. Because I know that I know who you are, and I know that you know who I am, and damned if a stranger is that perceptive or if either one of us could possibly make ourselves known to a stranger in any short order of time because there is just too much history, too much going on and gone on to make that any kind of an easy task, if possible at all.

Drawing sounds good. Draw more. Write more. Read more. Those things make you happy, and like you said, when you do what makes you happy, you learn more about yourself, the more you learn about yourself, the easier it is to be that person, the more you are that person, the sooner your life starts falling into place, the sooner the yellow brick road leads to whatever it is that you were meant to find. Head, heart, courage, whatever it is that you seek.

"I certainly understand the point of telling a complete stranger something about you that none of your close friends know ... That's actually how I've dealt with so much over my life as well. But I don't know ... it comes to a point when that feels empty and almost meaningless. Where it doesn't help ... because for the same reason that you are telling that person something .. it means nothing."

Yes, that makes a lot of sense, and I noticed that, well, forever, but it was sufficient for a time because it was comfortable. Until this last couple years because it was empty and meaningless, and every time that I wanted that support or reassurance or connection, or whatever, I had to start all over again with a stranger and do the reader's digest version that I was mentioning before. You can't just pick up where you left off, and you're always repeating your work. Very inefficient, waste of energy. Which I didn't have, I certainly couldn't go wasting it.

I pushed everyone away because I have never known anyone to stay in my life and I couldn't bear getting close to one more person who I would lose, so I didn't get close to anyone and everyone who already existed in my life I distanced myself from so that when they did, (not if), then it wouldn't matter. And I lived that way for a long time. Not happily, but safely.

On the retreat something interesting was said. Our biggest fear in life is actually that we are wonderful. That we are beautiful, or smart, or artistic, or that we have any one thing about us that is a talent or gift. Because we would rather fit into the crowd, not be better then anyone or be so politically correct so as not to make someone else feel inadequate by our own success or happiness. Interesting. No one I know has ever thought of that, even in their heart of hearts. But its true. We minimize our own accomplishments, talents, gifts, etc. because we want to be modest. F* modesty! Celebrate your every little success and be able to revel in every triumph. What else is life for? Think about that. And all the self limiting dialogue and behavior that we hold on to when we shouldn't. Because when we are the best person we can be, it shines a great light on everyone around us and gives them the opportunity to be great in whichever way they are. It does NOT make them feel inadequate or jealous or anything of the sort. Those are all lies that someone started for whatever reason, I don't know, to make us live a life with our heads down. Instead of being proud of who we are, and what we do.

So, I'll leave it at that, think on it. I'll get to other things later.

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