self, i think i love him. i've wondered if maybe i 'love' him because i just want to be in love and i just want someone to take care of me; maybe i was trying too hard to find love. what about all the other boys, didn't i want so badly to love them and to be loved by them? i can see that and it seems to make this less real then i think it might be. but i think that was just crazy and i think i wanted that as a substitute and i wanted that to fill the space but i think the space right now just wants *.

when i thought about them and when i thought about being an 'us' all i could think about was how * would feel... would he be jealous, would he not care, would he be happy for me? and the more real it got with me and someone else the more i compared him with that person and the more i thought about what i would do if he changed his mind and wanted to start something. i didn't and don't think i could have a long term relationship with anybody else with that on my mind.

the other night it really hit home. i've tried so hard to be strong and to lie to myself and other people. i can't stand anyone feeling sorry for me and i don't want people to think i'm a fool. i also don't want things to change with *. its not that i want to have a dillusional relationship with him in my head, but i think even if it doesn't work that i still want him in my life and i don't want him to feel weird about what 'messages' he may or may not be sending. he's such an exceptional, amazing, respectable, kind, caring and just truly gorgeous person i don't want him to leave me.

i don't know who to talk to about this because i don't want people to look down on me and think i'm weak and fickle and fleeting because that's not me. i think i loved * since, well, a long time ago, i just wanted to pretend that i didn't. i just got out of a relationship and i didn't want to jump right back into one so soon. then we had that whole big discussion and i wanted to be okay with it and i believed that i was okay with it and i wanted to be okay with it, and if i have to i will. if that's the way its going to be for the rest of forever and i know that for a fact thats fine, i can do that. we can be friends. its just that ever since i met him i just knew that he was so good for me and things have the potential to live happily ever after. that's all. i'm just aware of the potential. is that so bad?

does that mean that i'm stupid and girly and giggly and that i have some retarded crush on someone or that i should be pitied if things don't work out? i don't think it should. i think it should just mean that i'm aware. and perceptive and analytical and those are the facts. there. nothing about feelings. fuck feelings. they're stupid.

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