this is dangerous. not bad, bad is far too ominous and i don't want to discolor my subconscious perception of the whole experience. dangerous is fair, though, it means i have to be alert and aware and take the necessary precautions. i don't know what those are though.

i'm giddy. that's bad. and good. hmm. so many contradictions. realistically, honestly, i think i have no where to go except down. i've already invested too much. i've been thinking about * almost daily over the past three months which is completely irrational. there is no foundation for my interest or excitement. but there you have it. it just exists. i just think about him and i wonder and i get giddy when i think he could be phoning or i might see him. maybe its just the mystery, the fact that i can make it whatever i want and i can be as unrealistic as necessary.

i don't want to impede my excitement and enthusiasm but i do want to make sure i'm okay. is that the right way to do things? is it better to be responsible and precautionary? or is it best to be reckless and fearless?

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