sigh. well, i'm stupid. just so long as we can keep that in mind i think everything will be alright. just don't forget... i'm stupid. stupid like a person who stands in the middle of a highway wearing all black clothes in the middle of the night waiting to see if they get hit by a car. stupid like a person who decides to find out if there are sharks in the water by cutting their arm and then flailing around wildly. stupid like a person who covers their eyes and steps off a curb into rush hour traffic. yes, there we have it. stupid is as stupid does.

apparently i don't do so well with the being happy thing. i don't do so well with the possibility of possibility, or the mystery of chance. apparently, my phone privileges have been revoked after midnight because i don't know how to use it responsibility and have conversations that i will not come to regret the next day. fuck.

alright. so where do we start now? where do we start for damage control?

let's start with this:

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for being selfish. i'm sorry for being afraid. i'm sorry for being neurotic. i'm sorry for not having any impulse control. i'm sorry that i have to say these things, because unfortunately i don't think sorry will make it better. i'm sorry i don't know how to erase time. i'm sorry for fucking up a good thing. i'm sorry for realizing i had a good thing. i'm sorry i feel the need to say everything that comes to my mind. i'm sorry i don't think before i speak. i'm sorry i don't consult other people for advice before i make life changing decisions. i'm sorry that i have to be sorry when i wish i could go back to being comfortable. i'm sorry that being comfortable makes me uncomfortable. i'm sorry that you know now that i'm stupid.

big sigh again. yeah, i don't think that's good enough. i don't think that will help. i don't think i should go around trying to make my life harder then it already is. i don't think i should think, i should just stop thinking and then i won't come up with retarded theories and safe plans. i am quite upset with myself. no, it didn't make me feel better. no, it didn't help. no, it wasn't a good idea.

i'm sorry i made you cry.

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