I’m sorry that I’ve put so much pressure on you recently. I think that I’ve spent so much time thinking about this situation that I’ve dramatized it into something that it isn’t. I had an idea that it might turn out this way but I wanted to prove us both wrong by being able to be your friend. I wanted to benefit from your friendship, your happiness, your optimistic outlook on people and life; there are so many things that you offer that would make me a better person and I wanted to be able to experience that.

I’ve wasted so much time trying to analyze why and trying to figure out your motives and where you’re coming from. It doesn’t really matter though. You’ve said you can’t explain and you don’t know and maybe you don’t. Maybe it’s just not something you want to discuss. Either way, it shouldn’t make a difference to me. I don’t need your permission to feel how I do; I don’t need reciprocity to give myself permission. I can be your friend and still love you. I love many of my friends, I love my family. The difference there is that I trust them and I feel unconditionally accepted by them. I don’t trust you.

Not that I have any legitimate basis for that mistrust. I think it’s mostly transference and it’s not your fault. Well… I’ll come back to that. But first and foremost I think you’re coming into a number of prejudices that I already hold onto.... I’m sorry, that’s harsh and understandably offensive to probably about a third of the world’s population.

That’s where you come in. I know that perception is illogical, irrational and far too specific a brush to paint the world with, not to mention incredibly unfair. If every guy in my life hadn’t already demonstrated that on his own, then I’ve selected to include those types of people to be a part of my life. Or I’ve selected people that weren’t and pushed them to the limits where they would eventually prove me right. Or, when all else fails I’ve tried to turn my back and run away in case my whole world comes into question by just challenging that one personal belief. I’m also afraid that I’ll meet someone that doesn’t fall into that category and they will see through me and walk away from my ‘issues’ and pathologies. That would probably be the worst. To meet someone who measures up to my standards and find that I fall short of theirs.

So, specifically when it comes to you, I have so much respect and admiration for you. From my experience so far you are so smart, modest, reliable and self sacrificing. But it’s like it’s not even a sacrifice for you. You put everybody first, you care about everyone including strangers. You make everyone feel like gold and it comes so naturally to you. You’re so easy going about everything and accepting and understanding. It’s very confusing for me. Everything about who you are completely contradicts my entire theory and personal truth about men. I don’t think I could find your limits or push your buttons enough to make you prove me right. Frankly, I don’t even want to try because you’re such a good person you don’t deserve it; and selfishly, because I don’t even want to be right about that. So then my remaining option is to run so that I don’t have to be wrong either way. So that I can safely believe that you are an exception to the rule without ever being proven wrong.

So I’m sorry. I wanted to run away to serve my own interests without giving though to the cost for either of us, especially you. Honestly, I didn’t even really think there would be any cost to you because I don’t think you would really care. Who am I to make any kind of a difference in your life? You’re strong, you’re resilient, you have family and friends and work and hobbies and sports and what impact does some girl that came and went have? I don’t even know if I have the answer to that question yet. Except that you care so much about everybody you know and I wouldn’t want you to feel like you did something wrong or that you have anything to regret.

Any way, that was a lot of background information and personal perspective when the point is that I feel like I can learn a lot if I’m not so stubborn. I feel like there have been so many underlying issues that shouldn’t have anything to do with us. Well, it should in that I can learn how not to be so defensive and protective and afraid. I can learn that in the context of friendship. I’m self aware enough at this point to be a little more rational and reasonable. I think that I can just enjoy the present without thinking about motives and analyzing behavior because that was just suspicion and I was just being over protective and trying to imagine that I could anticipate every possible negative outcome and avoid it.

I don’t need to do that anymore because I have nothing to be afraid of. I trust you, and more importantly I trust myself. I trust that no matter what happens I will be able to handle it. I am free to enjoy myself in the moment now without being afraid that goodness in life is only temporary.