How do I love thee, let me count the ways:

Once upon a time I thought that you could just 'make it work' with anybody and that your chances with any person were equally as good. I don't know if that was a cynical view, completely discounting emotional variables, or if it was just an inexperienced view. Perhaps the two are one and the same. I thought that it was all about the level of commitment and effort that you put into it; provided that both parties were working towards the same goal with the same attitude, it was perfectly feasible to forge a successful relationship with virtually anybody.

Now I would have to say I disagree. I still maintain that the above situation is possible. Certainly, you can do that. Now I see what would be lacking though. Not everybody is the same, feels the same, wants the same thing, and a whole other number of things. Of course, I already knew that. But now I know that it matters. It's not a question of 'just getting along' or 'just making it work'. It's not a question of loving a person deeply because you respect and care for them. It's more than you care for a sister, or a friend. Crazily enough… there's something to this whole notion of 'love'.

I can't explain it any other way. I want to travel. I want to live. I want to have the fullest life that I can and live my dreams. I want to have a life larger than life. And I want to have a love larger than solid friendship and mutual caring. There's someone that makes me laugh (from the heart), and makes me giddy. Someone who makes me feel and think that there is no safer place in the whole world than next to them. Someone who energizes me better than sleep or food, like I was superhuman. Someone who is fascinating to just watch. Or listen to. Whose smile and whose laugh is elating. The only explanation I have for such complete insanity is that I'm enamoured. I can't help it. I would like to, but I can't. I've tried to, but I've been unsuccessful. I've been in denial, but that was largely unproductive. So now I guess the only thing I have left is the knowledge of something out there that is more than what I ever expected. And the uncertainty of when and where I'll find it next.

I sing to myself in the mornings, in the shower, in the hallway… I always sang in the car… but without music? I sing, and skip, and I'm generally merry. Except for when I'm uncertain about what is happening in that realm. Other than that, every situation seems manageable, even insignificantly small. I feel like an idiot. With a matching idiotic grin and a dumb vacant look. But even that puts a ridiculous smile on my face. Sigh. It's insanity I tell you. Whatever went wrong in this scenario? Why didn't I see this ten years ago? Why can't I remember the things about the past that I want to remember, but I can tell you dates of unimportant events and produce a receipt and price tag for something I bought in 1995? Why did I do whatever it is that I did whenever it was that I did it? Why does it matter? Why would I be so foolish as to ask myself an impossible question as that, and what difference does it make? Every day is a new day and tomorrow I will meet another twenty new people and the next day. This is a turning page in history. That's it. Just like it was in 1999.

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